There are moments in our lives that alter the pathway we had envisioned for ourselves. When you think to the future and you begin to visualize the life you want to create, sometimes the path that gets you there looks different than you imagined. Sometimes this jolt is so powerful it shakes the core of your being.
I had this vision for myself, a married woman with nothing but love to give. I had goals and dreams. As I envisioned myself in these dreams, I knew every single detail right down to the clothing I would be wearing. As time passed, I began to slowly put myself last, and these goals ended up on the back burner. And you know what happened? I lost it, all of it.
I didn’t realize I lost myself until my husband left, and this beautiful “reality” I had created for myself came crashing down. How I perceived love, trust and honor was completely destroyed. And you know what I learned? I allowed it to happen to me.
Here’s the thing, I allowed the foundation for my happiness to be rooted in another person. I allowed a reality to form in which I subconsciously designed MY life around someone else. My self -worth, my self- love, and my self- appreciation I put in the hands of another human being. I destroyed any boundaries I had set for myself and I allowed myself to base my worth off the love I thought I was receiving. Which was not very much. And what happens when you search outside of yourself and give someone else power over your own life? When it’s taken away your “identity” gets taken away with it.
I lost myself and I didn’t even see it happening. This is what I’ve learned so far through this process. My self-worth and self-love were being directly reflected to me through my ex-husband. Therefore, I received very little. Every time I dishonored myself and my boundaries, I released more and more of my power. It’s like building a house on top of quicksand instead of cement, it won’t work. You cannot expect love and self- respect to be given to you through someone else. Expectations are at the core of suffering. You must trust yourself and find within you the love that you are on the inside. Searching outside of yourself for happiness and wholeness will only give you things we perceive as success outwardly. Inside, you will still feel empty. There is no amount of money, success, or outside affection that will give you what you crave. You will always return to “This is still not enough.”
During our lives through experiences and relationships we slowly give a little piece of ourselves away. We begin to lose the complete oneness within ourselves. These experiences should be perceived as gifts. They reflect to us what we can heal, transform, and revive. My relationship with my ex-husband has been such a blessing. I was able to shed another layer of my empty reality which then opened the opportunity to rediscover my true self. I have the opportunity to heal the love, worth, and appreciation that makes up who I am. We are comprised of complete and utter love. How wonderful it is to return to it.